The Sex Trick Busy Couples Swear By

 No time for sex? Here’s how to reignite that can’t-get-enough-of-each-other passion – in just 10 minutes at a time. 

What’s the first thing to go when you’re busy, tired, and stressed? If you said sex, you’re not alone. An estimated 24 million American women say they don’t have time, are too exhausted, or just aren’t in the mood for sex, and more than a third of Redbook Readers say that being too tired is their number one excuse for not having sex. So we put it off for later- but later can easily become never. In case you haven’t noticed, abstinence doesn’t make the loins grow hotter; it just begets more abstinence.

Sex, on the other hand, begets more sex. Studies show that lovemaking elevates the levels of brain chemicals associated with desire. So the best way to increase your yearning for sex is to have it- a tall order if you’re one of those 24 million stressed-out women.

Get ready to recharge your batteries. Carole Pasahow, a Fair Lawn, NJ, sex and marital therapist, has designed a program especially for overworked, overstressed couples. These couples have no sexual dysfunction; their only problem is that they have no time.

Pasahow’s Passion Fix program jump-starts a stalled sex life in less than four hours over a four-week period. The program is based, appropriately enough, on the quickie-but this is not by any means your grandmother’s quickie, the wham-bam thank-you-ma’am duty sex that pleased only the man. These quickies, which she calls provocative encounters, include both mental and physical stimulation but not necessarily intercourse.

Here’s how it works: A couple pledges to make time for three provocative encounters a week.  The first and longest is a 30-minute fantasy encounter (talking, not touching), followed by two physical encounters that last ten minutes each. “In less than an hour a week, a couple can rediscover the passion they thought they’d lost,” Pasahow promises. “After four weeks, they will be making love more often than they were before the program-and having better sex.”

Too good to be? Try it and see. Here’s the step-by-step for week one-just repeat the process for weeks two, three, and four – plus comments and suggestions from women and men who’ve tried (and loved) it. 

Step 1: The Fantasy Encounter

What it is

An intense exercise in mental foreplay.

Why it’s important

Sharing fantasies with no obligation to act on them encourages creative erotic thinking, deepens understanding and intimacy, and helps you imagine each other in new sexual ways. The fantasy you develop together becomes your mutual mental foreplay for the week ahead. You’ll get in the mood much faster simply because you’ll have that hot fantasy ready to spark your libido. 

How to do it

Set aside 30 minutes of uninterrupted time on Sunday (finding this time may be the hardest part of the program, but trust us, it’s worth it) in a relaxed setting, perhaps in the bedroom after the children are asleep. Wearing loose-fitting but attractive clothing (no holey sweatpants!), sit down together and share your sexual fantasies. If you’re uncomfortable talking about the ones you usually indulge in, make up some new ones. Let your imaginations roam free. The caveat: Don’t touch, just talk. There should be absolutely no pressure to act. About 20 minutes into the encounter, agree on one fantasy as your mental foreplay of the week. Then build the story together, like two screenwriters developing a screenplay. The fantasy can be as simple as sex on the beach, as romantic as the memories of your courtship, or as kinky and complicated as a sci-fi scenario involving sexual slavery on an alien spaceship.

Pashow’s tips 

Make the fantasies personal, incorporating each other’s best physical features-your beautiful breasts, his bedroom eyes.

Combine your fantasies and his in a scenario that excites you both. Eliminate story elements that one partner finds offensive or nonerotic. 

Use erotic novels and videos for storyline inspiration. 

Consider adding simple props, especially costumes, to the fantasy. You can use/wear them during the next two encounters to heighten arousal. 

What the road testers say

-Debra, 34

–Amy, 29

– Jeff, 34

Step 2: The First Physical Encounter

What it is

A physical encounter that lasts at least ten minutes and includes manual and oral attention to one or both partners’ genitals, plus the use of one sex toy. Orgasms are preferred but not required.

Why it’s important

This provocative encounter takes a couple out of the typical-and boring sex-equals-intercourse routine. Sex becomes more unpredictable -and therefore more thrilling. For married couples in particular, sex without intercourse seems almost illicit, like the beginning of an affair. 

How to do it

Schedule this encounter for sometime in the first half of the week. Then get ready in your head: Draw on your fantasy encounter for advanced mental stimulation in stolen moments leading up to the actual event- a form of “no hands” arousal. 

Pasahow’s tips

Vary your patterns of oral and manual stimulation from week to week, and use the sex toys more creatively each time. Don’t do the same thing twice.

Be more daring as the weeks pass. In week four, do something you’ve never done before. (For example, let him bring you to orgasm in the car before going to a dinner party.)

What the road testers say

-Rebecca 39

Why New Partners Make PE Feel Unfixable

If you feel like everything falls apart with a new partner, you’re not broken. This is one of the most common PE patterns, and it has very little to do with skill, effort, or discipline.

What feels like “I’m getting worse” is usually your body reacting to novelty and pressure at the same time.

Novelty Raises Arousal Faster Than You Expect

A new partner brings new smells, new touch, new visuals, and new excitement. Your brain treats this as something special, even if you try to stay calm.

Because of that, arousal climbs faster than usual. You don’t slowly warm up. You jump from calm to very excited in seconds. When that happens, control techniques have less time to work.

This is why you might last longer alone or with a long-term partner, but struggle badly with someone new.

New Partners Increase Mental Pressure

With someone new, your brain is busy.

You’re thinking about how you look, how you perform, whether they’re enjoying it, and whether this “sets the tone” for future sex. Even if you don’t feel anxious, your nervous system feels the stakes.

That pressure quietly pushes your body into a fight-or-flight mode. In that state, your body wants quick release, not patience.

PE often shows up not because you’re nervous, but because your body thinks this moment really matters.

Why Techniques Feel Like They Stop Working

Many guys say, “I know what to do, but I can’t do it with a new partner.”

That’s normal. Breathing, slowing down, relaxing, or sprays all work best when arousal rises gradually. With a new partner, arousal spikes too fast.

So it feels like nothing works, even though the same methods work in other situations. This makes PE feel permanent or hopeless, but it’s not.

Why This Doesn’t Mean You’re Back to Zero

Struggling with a new partner does not erase progress. It just means you’re testing yourself in the hardest environment.

Think of it like lifting heavier weight. Failing doesn’t mean you lost strength. It means the load changed.

Once novelty fades and pressure drops, many men notice control improves without changing anything else.

What Actually Helps in This Phase

The goal with new partners is not perfect performance. The goal is lower pressure.

Slower pacing, longer foreplay, breaks without panic, and not treating penetration as a test all help your nervous system calm down. Control grows after safety, not before it.

Trying to force control usually makes things worse.

Final Thought

New partners don’t reveal how bad your PE is. They reveal how sensitive your body is to pressure and excitement.

That’s not a flaw. It’s something you can work with, once you stop judging yourself for it.

If this post hits close to home, you’re not alone, and you’re not failing. You’re just playing the hardest level first.